So…I’ve been vegan since the 14th of July. No intentional slip ups. I’ve been resisting my terrible cravings for Chocolate Chip Cookies (my oven doesn’t work. We only have non-vegan ones).
I don’t have an ABSOLUTE all or nothing attitude. I keep reminding myself it is intention not perfection…but then there are days like today.
Days where you are doing good. You eat good. You feel good. And then…I don’t know why I let it get to myself so much. I’ll be over it tomorrow…for the most part. It will at the very least be filed away until my father gets it out of me.
My sister came home from work, she’s stressed, I know that. I’ve for the most part stopped talking about Vegan-ism with her because it always turns into the conversation I had tonight. But tonight’s convo bothered me.
I was talking about my Grandmother’s birthday, and I jokingly said that I wished the oven worked so I could make myself a cupcake to replace the non-vegan cake there, because I like cake and it will be hard to resist. I don’t even know if they know I am going vegan (my grandparents).
We are talking, everything is normal. Then I tell her they are serving sauerbraten there, and that I don’t like it so thank goodness I am vegan!
Everyone else jokes about me being vegan. I figured I could too, right?
She (my sister) keeps telling me that I need to lighten up a little on it (like she did tonight)…because it’s a pain in the ass to her. (But yet, I am not requesting she make me food or include me with anything other than her smoothies I love. Which we use my almond milk to make and she likes all the vegan stuff so far that I have shared with her.) Anywho, I am off track. Haha.
And so tonight I mention (thinking about what I said before: “it’s intention not perfection,” I said that I would be eating the veggies there that I usually stay away from. Because they have animal products with them.
If I can help it, I don’t eat veggies cooked in meat roasts or anything because of the animal grease, and juice. It is something I can control and choose whether I eat, and I don’t want to.
She told me that I was being ridiculous and that my whole vegan thing was ridiculous. It hurt. I didn’t show it that much. Instead I tried making light of it and just told her I don’t eat it because it’s my own choice. I just don’t want to.
She told me she understands, but she still thinks it is not worth it, and stupid basically.
How? How in the world can you say that you understand but turn around and basically say that everything I am doing, because I want to, is not even worth it?
I laughed slightly and said, that well, I just wanted to do it. Then I said that it wasn’t like I was making her be vegan. I just don’t want to eat the stuff.
Then she told me that she thinks I am taking this too far, and that she gets I want to be healthy but it again isn’t worth it.
I…I can’t even explain to you, to anyone how hurt that made me, and how angry. Not angry that she doesn’t like veganism. Okay, I get that. I accepted a while ago that I wasn’t going to get them to go vegan. I just…couldn’t she support me because I want to do it?
And how many times have I told her I do it for the animals, more than my health? I mean…it just hurt.
And this has happened a few times now… like 4-5. But tonight she was harsher. It was harder to blow off, and just move on.
And on top of that, I am almost out of food. And I cry a lot. (Too much self-pity. Another thing I need to get over.)
I cry because I know my dreams, my goals, my hopes…they are temporarily crushed. I mean, my sister, I can handle that with time. But when she keeps putting me down (unintentionally I believe) and my father doesn’t have money for anything…it makes me feel bad. I could be so much less of a burden if I wasn’t vegan.
But he still tries to get me food. And God, I love him for it. But…we have no money.
Everything in the house keeps breaking. We need to spend money left, and right.
And…I have a feeling when I run out of food…I am for lack of better terms, screwed.
Because, Kasey keeps grocery shopping. She, for the third time, has brought food home. As long as she is bringing food home…I can’t go to the store. And the food I need is drastically different from theirs.
And…I keep going to my room. My dad is so worried, and I hate myself for it. So…I just pretend I’m all good. And I stay out in the living room with the family.
My father is so stressed. Between work, us, the huge mess in the house, the four dogs, everything breaking, just…everything….I feel so so so bad. Like…if I wasn’t so different from them I would be less of a burden. And no I am not apologizing for being vegan. I believe in it. It is a part of me. And…yet, if I wasn’t different from them we would probably have more money. And he could stress less…
He wouldn’t want me worried, and stressed like this…but I am just like him. I worry and stress about other people’s problems, just like he does. (Whether he wants to admit it or not).
I want to be alone in my room. I admit that I DO want to be with them sometimes, but I have realized that when I try to spend time with anyone other than my father, I feel like I am being judged because the way they word things, etc, makes me feel like I am an outcast and unaccepted. I feel like a cornered animal in the living room with everyone there. My brother doesn’t count, he doesn’t have particular feelings about anything.
I am afraid to admit that I hate hunting for Christ’s sakes! I mean…I’ve kind of hinted. But not really. Because in the past, when I was trying to just be normal and things, I wanted to go hunting. I wanted to do something “normal.” I feel as if they will hold that against me…even though people change.
I stay in my room, because I don’t have to hide from myself, and I still don’t know who myself is. I am trying to find myself, and when I am hiding, I can’t be finding myself. And…all the things I want to do it…to accomplish, I am motivated when I am alone. I am less likely to back out of things (like exercising).
When I am with people, I am afraid to do what I want to do…to do anything other than what I would normally do. Because everyone acts like it is a big deal/surprise when I act differently.
I mean…life is about creating and finding yourself. Finding out who you want to be. I know who I want to be…I just wished that more people supported me…or if they do, would stop hurting me.
Sorry for the rant, and the bad one at that, about my problems. I needed to tell someone.